MARRIED WITH NO KIDS

I haven't blogged for years, and I am tempted to write a tasty title for this new blog I am writing after several years. Yes, I am married for almost 9 years now and my husband and I have no kids because I have endometriosis. I have cysts in my ovaries and I am also suffering from hematosalpinx. No, I am not 100% infertile. In fact, I still ovulate regularly. Fertilization is just challenging because the cysts are aggressive (though they are not cancerous).

I have been reading “Barren among the Fruitful” by Amanda Hope Haley, and like Amanda and the rest of the women in the book, I was motivated to tell my story. Bearing no children while being married is still very challenging in this modern world. Despite advancements in science, technology, and even culture (yes, we now have what others call “modern culture”), women are still expected to bear children. Or to say it bluntly, women are still deemed as “baby-makers”. Married women with no children are still looked upon with sympathy or sometimes even dislike; as if we are some sort of mutant or a totally different species. And just so you'll know, sympathy is far different from empathy.

Here are some of the worst things that have been said to me:

1. “Wala ka pulos.” (You are useless). Yes, I have been told this, and it might have been said in jest. But still, how would you respond to that comment? I just kept my silence.

2. “Wala pa kamo gyapon bata? Kami 'ya, apat na.” (You still have no kids until now? We have four!) I was told this by someone I used to work with, and the guy (yes, it's a guy who said this) said it with so much pride for himself and so much loathing for me that I wanted to punch him on the face. Having children is not a contest. If I had known that it was a contest, I should have started making babies when I was 12. I had my first menstrual period when I was 12, and I was diagnosed with endometriosis 10 years later. So between 12 and 22, I would have had a minimum of 5 children, if I had been getting pregnant every other year. But as I have said, this is not a contest, and I have no intention of bearing 5 children just out of spite for other people.

My husband and I waiting for lunch after church

3. “Ahay, wala pa gyapon?” (This could mean two things: “Oh no, you're still not pregnant” or “Oh no, you still have no kids). I am usually told this by friends and relatives that I haven't seen for the longest time, and there's just this abrasive pity in their eyes that makes me cringe. Well, when I got married, I did not promise that I would be bearing children for them or anyone else. Children are gifts from God, and I just cannot force something that is not in accordance with God's will.

4. “Have you tried…..?” –- followed by a litany of medicine, doctors, processes, etc. that would allegedly help me bear children. Now, there are people who told me these things and they are genuinely trying to help. But there are those who told me these things with judgment in their eyes and their tones as if I am doing something wrong in my life, hence I cannot bear children. For everyone's information, I have an OB-Gyne that I visit regularly, and I also have a medical doctor who treats me using “alternative medicine” (acupuncture, and general wellness plus centering). I am also doing my own research and from what I've researched, there is NO CURE for endometriosis. The medicine the doctor is giving is actually hormones and is not a cure for my condition. And yes, I have undergone surgery twice but the endometriosis is hormonal, which means that as long as I am producing hormones, the endometriosis will always be there.

5. “Why don't you try adoption?” Having children is like Plan A for these people. And since Plan A did not work for us, we should try Plan B. #hmt #smh In the book “Barren among the Fruitful”, the author said this:

“...You shouldn't adopt only because you can't have biological offspring. An adopted child is not a consolation prize… This idea that adoption is 'plan b' comes from the unconscious confluence of two ideas: somehow having a baby is the only way you'll be happy, and not adopting when you have no biological children is selfish. Neither idea is necessarily correct, and both can leave you feeling sad and guilty. I would argue that adoption is a calling...” [page 120. Emphasis mine].

I lost count as to how many people have “suggested” that we should adopt “instead”. Others would even push us to attend this and that seminar so that we'll know the adoption process. For those who know me, they'd know that if I want to take part in something, I would ask. If I am not asking for it, it means I am not interested in it at the moment.

To end this blog, I would like to give an unsolicited advice to everyone: If you are not a 100% sure that what you are going to say to someone is helpful, just don't say it.